For a long time now, I haven’t been able to accept myself fully. I’ve had certain phases where I go into this emotionally-detrimental thought process, and I dismiss all of my unprecedented whimsical behavior with “that’s just who I am- deal with it.” dialogues.
Then I’ve had phases where I collapse and moan and rage over the slightest of things, like how “my shower water is so cold” and “these shoes are too tight” and “this drink doesn’t have enough ice in it”.
But I’ve mostly always had phases where I self-demean myself to the point where I need to sit down on cold hard floor in a corner somewhere and rethink every decision I’ve ever made.
“I really should have ordered just a Pepsi.”
Even more so- I’ve always, always, always felt inferior next to everyone. When I look at somebody, all I can ever see is how perfect they are in so many ways.
I’m the kind of person who will notice the smallest, weirdest things about you.
The first thing I ever said to my best friend Suzie that got us talking was, “You have beautiful hands.” And she does. She is beautiful, and funny, and so perfect. Even her laugh is perfect.
Many people have told me it’s a gift, being able to see something beautiful in everyone.
But really, it isn’t. Noticing how perfect everyone else is has always made me feel pathetic about myself. It isn’t that I’m jealous. My God, I haven’t ever been jealous of any non-fictonal being.
It’s only that it makes me conscious about how completely not-perfect I am.
Even now, I can’t attend a family gathering without having at least one episode. I really can’t. I’m 17 years old, and I thought by now I should’ve grown out of it- but I still haven’t.
All my cousins are so beautiful, and amazing, and they blend in with each other so well. Sometimes I get so fed up of feeling inferior next to them that I have to hole myself up in a room for days, coming out only once in a while to make sure my mom doesn’t scream at me too much for not interacting.
I have tried so hard to be someone that people want to be around. I have failed, obviously. But I guess I’m done with all that.
In the few wee moments of insight that I get every once in a blue moon, I’ve come to realize that maybe I’m more than I think I am.
Maybe people do admire something about me, even if I can’t see what that is.
I’ve noticed that not many of the people I admire so fully think well enough about themselves. Suzie has NO IDEA how perfect she is. Somehow that makes her even more perfect. All the people I hang out with are so smart, and funny, and independent- and none of them know it.
So what if I’m one of them? And why not?
I’m nice enough, right?
I might just be fantasizing, but what if?
The way I figure it, there’s always going to be someone who looks up to you. Even if it’s a 5 year old.
Maybe they admire how you eat your burger, or how you dive, or how you look so perfect when you wake up in the morning.
Maybe they admire how you manage to get through the day, even when you feel like complete shit about yourself.
I might never lose my inferiority complex, and maybe I’ll always feel lesser in front of everyone else. But at least I’ll get one teeny weeny positive thought in the back of my head, “What if you’re not so small to someone else in this room?”.
I want to accept myself, and not by putting other people down. I can’t make myself feel better by finding a flaw in someone else. I can’t tell myself I’m better than them just because they don’t play The Last of Us on the PS3.
So I will continue to admire people, as I know I can’t ever stop. But I’m hoping I’ll get around to admiring myself just the same way, soon.
I am who I am, and I may not be the best- but I sure as hell am better than I was before.
(P.S. About page edited, again.)